Somewhere Only We Know
by flapjacks
Summary: There's the kind of support you ask for. There's the kind that you don’t ask for. And then there's the kind that just shows up, no matter how many times you push them away. Pain. Secrets. Revelations. E/O Friendship. NOT a love confession.
1. The Squadroom

**Extended Summary: **Convicting a paedophile is nothing knew to an SVU detective, so why has this one sent Olivia running? _"You don't know me as well as you think you do Elliot" she said before tearing her eyes away_… Olivia's past comes back to haunt her. E/O Friendship.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Except my story :)

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**1) The Squad Room**

Olivia Benson walked through the main double doors of the SVU. As soon as she entered, Captain Cragen poked his head out of his office door and used his hand to signal for her to go into the office.

"Perfect timing Olivia. I just got off the phone with Officer Bandolini. They've caught the perp that assaulted Nick Davies, computer crimes were able to track him down through a transaction on a child pornography website. He sold photos of him and Davies and we sprung him in the act." Cragen informed.

"Who is he?" Olivia asked. Her and her partner, Elliot Stabler, had been trying to track down this perp since police found a young boy who had been kidnapped and both physically and sexually assaulted, then dumped at fire station two hours away from his home.

"No name yet. Bandolini got a heads up and called me but there's uni's outside his place. I told them to hold him at the scene until you and Elliot arrive so you can make the arrest. So get Elliot, fill him in and get to the scene." Cragen said, while Olivia nodded. She opened her mouth to speak, but the captain interrupted her.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, noticing the detective didn't seem like herself.

"Yeah fine," Olivia dismissed. "Where is he?"

"He's in interrogation one, trying to work out how Phillip Bainer managed to escape when Fin left him in there yesterday."

Without another word, Olivia turned and exited the office then yanked the door open once she reached the interrogation room.

At the sound of the door flying open Elliot looked up to see Olivia enter the room. He was going to say good morning, but her appearance stopped him. Instead, he stated a little too bluntly, "Liv you look like crap".

"Gee thanks. You're no Mr. Universe yourself you know" she retorted gruffly.

"No, no I don't mean it like that I… I just mean you haven't really been looking like yourself the past few days and today you just…"

Olivia turned to face the mirror of one-way window, observing her reflection. She took in her eyes, strained and bloodshot… the dark bags that hung below them that were made extra obvious by her ashen skin… her limp, but dishevelled hair.

"… are you… are you sleeping okay?" he asked worriedly.

"I'm sleeping fine Elliot. I'm fine. We have a call, let's go." she dismissed, leaving the interrogation room.

"Hey Liv you feeling alright?" Munch called from his desk as Olivia walked through the bullpen.

"Great." She replied monotonously before storming out of the stationhouse, with Elliot and John watching on in confusion.

"Don't." Elliot warned Munch, sensing that he was about to comment on his partner's attitude.

"What's with her?" he asked, looking up at Elliot with a questioning look upon his face.

"God only knows," Elliot replied as he too, headed for the doors.

Olivia was already in the driver's seat of the sedan when Elliot got downstairs. She normally let him drive but today she took the wheel, figuring that this way she wouldn't have to explain the directions, she could just drive and hopefully it would keep her mind off other things. Elliot didn't say anything, he just got in the passenger seat and she took off.

"So where we going?" Elliot asked casually.

"Queens. They got the Davies assault perp on a kiddy-porn bust. They're holding him at the scene until we get there." She replied, not taking her eyes off the road.

He didn't bother to ask any further questions, she'd given as much information as she wanted too… it was possibly all she knew. Apart from that exchange, the car ride was silent. Every now and then Elliot would glance in Olivia's direction, but her expression never changed. She remained focused. As usual. But he could see she was hiding something. After all, they weren't just partners; they were best friends. Elliot cared about Olivia a lot and was a little worried about her because she hadn't been herself for the past three or four days. She'd been a lot quieter than usual… distant. He'd caught her staring into nothingness a few times. In the middle of the squad room pandemonium, she was somewhere else. And she'd looked a little under the weather, especially today. There was something about her eyes. He'd only looked into them for a second in interrogation but they just didn't look like they normally did. It was like they were void of emotion, but like they were holding so much.

Elliot looked out the window and thought back to what happened a few nights ago. Olivia had been determined to tackle her mountain of paperwork even though it had been a long day and she had the opportunity to go home. She refused, and must have stayed up all night because the next day she drank a coffee almost every hour. He didn't think anything of it at the time but since then she hasn't been herself. The day after that she was asleep on her desk when he got in. She was slumped over in her chair with her arms crossed on her desk and her head in the crease of her elbow, hiding her face. He sat in his desk across from hers and watched her sleeping form. She stayed like that; asleep on her desk and unaffected by the hustle of the noisy squad room, for over an hour and he watched, wondering what it was that she was keeping locked inside. When she eventually lethargically raised her head, he'd asked if everything was okay. 'I'm fine' was her response. And he didn't push it any further.

She wasn't one for showing emotion in public. And she'd never admitted to him when she wasn't okay. But he'd learnt to tell with her. Whether her "I'm fine" 's were genuine or not. When she was lying or not. Over the years he'd learnt how to tell when she was okay and when she was not. And he knew that Olivia wasn't "fine" or "okay" like she claimed to be.

He also knew how she fought her demons; locking everything up inside. Never releasing in the company of anyone but her own. She'd teared up a few times over the years but nothing more. Never anything more. He could only recall two times when Olivia came close to breaking down. But she never did. She always held it together. Whether she held it until she got home or she just held it he didn't know.

Because when it came down to it, Olivia Benson was unbreakable… at least that's what she wanted people to think. Whether it was about pride or being tough, Elliot didn't know but she never admitted to needing help because she's tougher than that. She's independent. Focused. Controlled. She acted like shit didn't phase her… even if it drove her crazy inside… even if her insecurities could eat her alive.

But sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day, it's okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do. And Elliot wished more than anything that Olivia knew that.

In hard times some people have trouble reaching out and Olivia was one of them. She could carry the weight of the world on her shoulders and even if her neck was breaking, she wouldn't reach out for help. She'd harbour the pain alone, rather than allow someone to get close enough to help her.

And Elliot was beginning to worry that her increasingly unkempt appearance and inability to focus on something for more than ten minutes was an indication that behind her rock-solid exterior, Olivia wasn't handling whatever that was on her mind. That she wasn't coping. And her tendency to bottle up emotions would add fuel to the fire.

Even though he found the surrounding silence deafening, Elliot didn't try to talk. Instead, he sighed and turned his head to stare out his passenger window. He knew it was useless to dwell on whatever was bothering Olivia. All he could do was pray that if she needed to, she'd talk to him. Or at least let him talk to her.

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_So how was that... reviewsssss?_

**Interviewer: "**On that subject, I noticed in a response to a previous question regarding the photos of Benson and Stabler's 'prelude to a kiss' - you said that you and Mariska were just joking around while shooting promos. Is that true - is there really no smooching to look forward to?**"**

**Christopher Meloni: "**Only if you catch us in my trailer.**"**


	2. The Crime Scene

**Author's Note:** So Michaela McManus has been hired to replace Casey as the new ADA. I just want Dick Wolf to bring back Alex Cabot, she was fantastic. Eh anyway here's chapter two, italics are character thoughts.

**Disclaimer:** Dick Wolf owns them, I own my story :)

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**2) The Crime Scene**

Olivia pulled up the scene and turned off the ignition. Both her and Elliot could see that CSU was already working on the house and they both spotted a small congregation of officers gathered around who they assumed was the perp.

"You deal with them, I'll talk to O'Halloran." Olivia said, already walking off in the direction of the house. She wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, and CSU guys gave a lot less crap than smart-ass cops and sick perverts.

Elliot nodded and began to approach the group. Seeing that an officer had pulled away from the small crowd, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled out his badge.

"Elliot Stabler, Special Victims Unit."

"Bill Ramierez", the policeman introduced himself.

"Who you got?"

"Mark Dawson, just got sprung selling child pornography. He's the guy you've been trying to track down for the Nick Davies assault. The kid's in all the pictures. CSU's working inside and a couple of my guys are holdin' the scumbag. "

Elliot nodded as he and Officer Ramierez continued towards where Mark Dawson was being held. The crowd parted and allowed Elliot to see the perp. He was a few years younger than Elliot, but with a similar build. Even though he was hunched over slightly, Elliot could tell that he was quite tall. Dawson leant with back against the police car, his hands in cuffs in front of him and a cop on either side of his shoulders. He didn't look up from the ground that he'd been staring at since he was cuffed, even when Elliot approached him.

Elliot grabbed him by the arm and pulled him off the side of the car but still Dawson didn't break eye contact with the ground.

"Mark Dawson, you're under arrest for the sexual and physical assault of Nick Davies, as well as the possession of child pornography. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you do or say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you by the state."

For the first time, Dawson lifted his head to level with Elliot and snorted rudely in the process.

"Oh I can afford one, don't you worry" he said smugly.

Taking the comment to mean that Dawson understood his rights, Elliot signalled to Ramierez to come over.

"Just watch him for a sec while I get my partner."

"Sure thing." Ramierez nodded obediently, and took over Elliot's task of holding the perp.

Elliot ran up the stairs into the house. The crime scene unit team were hard at work and he spotted Olivia talking to a guy working on finger printing.

"Liv!"

Upon hearing her name Olivia swivelled and spotted Elliot in the doorway. She turned back to the guy and told him to call if they found anything else and then went out through the doorway that Elliot had been standing in a second earlier.

He was waiting for her at the bottom stairs and they began to walk towards where Ramierez had the perp.

"They find anything?"

"Yeah, they already got plenty of prints. All small, had to be kids. Probably Nick's and a few other kids. Plus we've got the pictures. It shouldn't be hard to peg this guy."

The two detectives approached Ramierez and Dawson, who seemed to have an extreme fascination with the grass or his feet. Elliot took over from Ramierez and he went back to his men.

"Who you got?" Olivia asked, once she'd reached the others.

As soon as he heard her voice, Mark's head snapped up. He stared at her for a second, wide-eyed and open-mouthed while Olivia stared back with an identical expression.

"Olivia?"

Elliot looked between the two, wondering how the paedophile knew her name. _They must know each other. _Her expression quickly changed from shock to terror and Elliot was certain he heard her mumble "no fucking way" under her breath.

"Olivia?" Mark repeated, "Liv oh my god. Liv! Livia, it's so good to see you!"

Olivia looked at the man before her, frozen with disbelief. She felt the colour drain from her face and for a moment thought she might actually lose consciousness. And she found that against her will, her body was now trembling. Involuntarily shaking like hell, right to her core. Unsure of what to do, she did the only thing that she could think of. She fled. Within a split second she had pivoted and was heading directly for their sedan that was parked across the street, refusing to meet Elliot's eyes as she did so. She heard him call her name but she didn't turn back.

Elliot watched as Olivia jogged to the sedan before turning to address the group behind him. "Hey Ramierez, can you have a unit drive him down to the precinct" he called, shooting Dawson a filthy look in the process.

"Yeah no problem." He said as he and another cop pulled a struggling Dawson towards their car.

The encounter he'd just witnessed was really strange. Running away wasn't something Olivia normally did. And even though she wouldn't look at him, Elliot saw the way she instantly paled and the shocked that invaded her body as she freaked inside.

"Livia! Olivia! OLIVIA! I have to talk to you. LIV I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!"

As she was getting into the car she could hear Dawson still yelling for her as he was being dragged away and she tried with all her strength to block out the sound.

She sat in the passenger seat this time, deciding to let Elliot drive. She knew if she drove she'd probably cause an accident and kill them both because of the way her hands were shaking. Allowing her head to fall back and lean against the headrest, Olivia closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself before Elliot came along and questioned her. _Breathe Benson. Come on. It's okay. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. _She repeated in her mind._ You're okay. _She hoped to God that Elliot had the sense to send Dawson with another cop after seeing what she just did.

Elliot approached the car, unsure of what to do. He could see her inside the car, seated on the passenger side this time, breathing extremely heavily with her eyes closed. He thought he could see her talking to herself but he couldn't be sure.

He opened the car door and took his seat but didn't start the ignition. After a minute of silence, he asked Olivia the question she knew was inevitable.

"How do you know Mark Dawson?"

Olivia opened her eyes and looked straight ahead out the windshield. She could feel Elliot's eyes on her.

"He's just someone I used to know."

Sensing that he'd ask further questions since her previous answer didn't provide too much information, Olivia spoke again. But this time she turned to face him, with the hardest stare she could muster.

"Drive Elliot."

Elliot did as she asked, well more like ordered, because he knew that tone. It meant she'd said all that she'd wanted to. And he knew if she wanted to tell him more, she would when she was ready. _But she might need a little encouraging… or more of a push… _he thought, as he saw her eyes glaze over before turning his attention to the road ahead. As he pulled up at the traffic lights he stole a quick glance at Olivia, noticing her wiping her eyes while she looked out her side window.

Olivia knew she needed to cry. So many times she'd come close to losing it in front of Elliot. More now than ever. She was never actually sure what it was that she felt pull her back. But she felt it again. Felt the need to not let him see her break. So instead she furiously wiped the couple of tears that had strayed and kept her focus on the houses outside her window, hoping he wouldn't ask her any more questions.

"What is it Liv?" Elliot asked gently, stopping at another light. He was watching her again, and with closed eyes and tight lips, she shook her head as if physically refusing to answer, or worse… cry.

"… You can tell me…"

Elliot's voice was nearly blocked out by the pounding in her head. She knew he wouldn't stop until she said something. But she wasn't going to burst into tears and look pathetic here. It was taking all her strength to hold back the rest of her tears.

"I'm fine." _Lie. _She knew it was a crappy lie, hardly believable considering she was silently wiping away tears a minute earlier, but she stuck to it.

Elliot continued to watch his partner, taking in her flushed cheeks and glossy eyes. Her elbow was resting up near the window, with her head leaning on her hand and he could see her fingers slightly shaking. Elliot knew Olivia better than anyone else and he knew she was trying to be strong. But she sounded so alone and he was terrified of saying the wrong thing. Lately there'd been too much of this but he didn't think it was too late. Not if she'd just let him help her.

"No, you're not. I've seen you and you're not. Olivia, this is me. I know you…" he wished she'd stop looking out the window and face him. He'd be able to get more from her eyes.

"It's nothing." _Another lie. _Olivia kept up her charade, even though she knew he could see right through her.

"We're partners", Elliot tried to reason. He was trying to let Olivia know that she could trust him. That he was there for her. But still she didn't budge, and neither did her focus.

"Not on this. This is personal" she said bluntly, and continued to stare out the window.

Elliot knew what she was doing. He knew her. She refused to be a victim. Even in the slightest. He knew she was fighting with herself to hold it in and he wished more than anything that she didn't feel like she had to be tough all the time. That she didn't have to be so guarded. It was rare for her to let him in, most of the time he just had to settle with letting her sort it out on her own. He'd have to accept that regardless of the pain prominent in her eyes, she didn't want his help. But this was different. She's been weird all week and now this. Olivia wasn't one to run away.

Elliot tried again, "just tell me, maybe I can help you."

"You can't help me with this." she stated instantly.

"How do you know?"

"I just do Elliot. Please." Her voice changed with that answer. It changed from her trying to deflect his attention to a desperate plea. She was looking at him now, her eyes burning with desperation. Elliot wanted to keep going, keep pushing, but the sadness in her voice stopped him. This wasn't some perp in interrogation, if he pushed Olivia too far who knows what she'd do.

He sighed in defeat and focused his attention back on the road, waiting patiently for the light to change. If she was going to explain anything she was going to need a little time. The two remained silent for the remainder of the drive and went their separate ways once they reached the precinct. Their shifts were due to end and Elliot was planning to ask Cragen if Munch and Fin could take over the Dawson case so he could get out of there on time and hopefully talk to Olivia a little. He also didn't want her involved in the case since she obviously was holding out on something personal.

He went to Cragen's door and knocked. After getting no answer he pushed the door open and was greeted by an empty office. _Guess he's out. _Elliot turned around and quickly scanned the office, searching for his captain. He spotted him coming from one of the side doors and shortly after, the two were in the office.

"Elliot, what's going on with this guy?" Cragen asked, referring to the arrest he'd just made.

"Mark Dawson, arrested at the crime scene. I got a uni to bring him dow-"

"I know, Dawson's in a holding cell… Officer Ramierez showed up with him and what I want to know is why you and Olivia didn't? And what exactly is going on with your partner by the way? She hasn't been looking too good this past … well this past week."

"I dunno Cap, something's wrong…", Elliot sighed.

"I've noticed."

"But she won't talk to me… Dawson knew her, I don't know how… she wouldn't tell me. But we had him cuffed, he'd been silent and once he saw her he started yelling like a madman. Screaming out 'Liv I gotta talk to you'. She freaked out, bolted and wouldn't tell me anything in the car. She won't talk to me cap."

"I'll get Munch and Fin to take this case. You and Liv go. Go home, get some shut-eye. If she won't leave tell her to come to me. She's hardly left this place this past week. You might have to drive her yourself… if anyone can get her to talk it's you Elliot, but don't push her too hard. She'll tell you when she's ready."

Elliot gave a curt nod before exiting the office and climbing the stairs up to the cribs where he last saw Olivia heading. He thought about how to tell her that John and Fin will look after the case. Elliot had already decided he'd be driving her home and he wondered the best way to tell her that he wanted to. Would she even let him drive her home? He knew how she hated to be taken care of. But he wasn't going to back down. She was his best friend. And he could see that she was sinking.

He approached the locker room and paused outside the door. He could see the back of her, rummaging roughly through her locker as if she was searching for something. She must have found it because she stopped for a moment and stood still, looking down at whatever was in her hands before shoving it into her pocket and violently slamming her locker shut.

Deciding to wait a minute before going in, he continued to watch through the glass pane as Olivia rested her forehead against the cold metal of the locker in front of her then made a fist with her hand and slammed it against the metal beside her head. Into the next locker. Elliot's locker. She hit the locker a few times, hard, but not with all her strength, and the newly formed dent grew deeper. He heard the metal crunch behind the force of her slams and couldn't help but feel a little scared by the sight.

Elliot watched, unsure if she was intentionally hitting his locker or simply because it was situated beside her head. After a moment, she flipped around and fell back against the lockers with a clash. She didn't look up and see Elliot but he could see her. Tears were running freely down Olivia's face and her lips were trembling. She clenched her hands into fists and closed her eyes, leaning her head back. The tears continued to fall and Elliot mentally debated if he should go in or not. He wanted to comfort her but didn't want to invade. She wouldn't want that. Olivia wouldn't want him to catch her crying in the cribs, she'd think she was pathetic.

A paedophile was nothing new to an SVU detective but this case was affecting her and Elliot didn't understand why. She wasn't crying exactly. Well she was, there were tears. Lots of tears. But no sound. She hadn't made a sound. Apart from the noises from the encounters with the metal locker. Then again, Olivia's always been a silent crier. He couldn't remember at time that she'd actually cried properly. Actually let go and released. She always held back in front of him. Never more than a few silent tears slipping out.

Elliot watched as she and slowly slid down the metal and sunk down to the ground with a thud. Once on the ground, she brought her knees up so she was huddled in ball, and lowered her head so her face was hidden but still she made no sound. It wasn't a typical Olivia position; the woman was normally fierce.

He couldn't take watching anymore and even if she hated him for it, Elliot had to get in there. The door creaked loudly as he opened it and he took a few steps into the room, leaving a reasonable distance between he and his partner. Upon hearing the sound, Olivia's head jerked up and looked at Elliot with tired eyes that held a vulnerability that he rarely saw. Her eye make up was barely smeared but her salty tears had left light trails down her cheeks. He wanted to get closer, hug her, hold her. But he was unsure what she was going to do. He stood still and they stared at each other for just a moment longer, a couple of metres between them.

Without warning and without a word, Olivia swiftly rose and dashed around the corner of the block of lockers. She was fast and Elliot followed her after a second but he soon heard the other door close. Just like she had earlier, Olivia ran. He paused for a moment, debating which door to take; the one he'd come through or the one she'd left through. They both led to the same place but Elliot wasn't sure which was faster. He opted for the door she'd taken and quickly jogged through and down the stairs.

Once downstairs, he streamed through the bullpen looking around for Olivia. He saw Munch approaching him but planned to ignore him, until the older man cornered him.

"Where's Olivia gone?"

"Huh?" Elliot asked, panting from the short jog he just took.

"Perp claims to know her, he wants to talk and she just sped down here, grabbed her jacket and left. When's she coming back?" Munch explained.

"I dunno Munch," Elliot answered honestly, "where'd she go?"

"I don't know… she left her bag though" he shrugged. They both turned to face her desk. Where papers were everywhere, not piled neatly like they normally were before she left.

"And her phone." Munch added, noticing the device sitting on top of a folder. "I already tried to call her but she left it here."

"Tell Cragen she's left for the night. Tell him I have too." Elliot called, already headed for the double doors.

He quickly ran up the stairs that led to the roof, knowing that she sometimes went there to think but returned to the SVU level once he found that it was deserted. Irritated with how long the elevator was taking, Elliot raced down the stairs. Once he got onto the street he looked both ways but couldn't see any sign of her so he got into his car and started to drive to Olivia's apartment.

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_So should I continue with the story? I'll tell you now it's not an ex-love storyline. Well it is but that's just part of it, not the main thing. And this isn't an E/O love confession but there's plenty of little E/O moments. So will I keep going? Reviews please._

**Christopher Meloni:** "Hot detective love. Is it wrong?" (On the possibility of a romance between Elliot and Olivia)


End file.
